I wasn't sure what to do, so I decided to start wit myself.
I sat, noticing activity in my inside landscape. I could feel crow close, strong. I decided to navigate to a separated part of me, to see what happened, practicing on my self.
I let myself notice the space, to see if anyone else was with me. I located a child part of me, both in my belly and also away from me. This child part was wild, like a wild animal. I could feel my self working this separate part closer to me. I noticed the surface of the bigger part, me, that the separated part might connect back with, or to.
I noticed the strong feeling spaces of the two separated parts, the discomfort each contained, which is likely what has kept them separated. I could see the child part, broken, isolated, suffering. The surface of the self was also raw.
I worked in the space in between, holding, healing, preparing. I actively looked and relooked to see who might also be helping, working with me. I could feel crow still strong. Fanning the space between.
There was some clarity in this and still some fuzzy edged not being sure.
Today was the Three Worlds Healing Ceremony dedicated to Akasanawa, followed by a Dingo Clan sweat lodge.
As I drove there, I 'tuned in'. I noticed the horizon, the warm colours, and the feeling of his hat framing the horizon. I could see the hawk, his totem, and see the sun sitting above the horizon, setting, but still with a way to go.
Arriving at the site, I made the effigy for the ceremony. I has drawn to bringing and including Rosemary in the effigy. I included some gum leaves, fruit and new fresh growth leaves. I picked up a piece of red vark and shaped them into arms. Later I noticed they were like wings, reflecting hawk wings.
The ceremony felt vital. We each enacted the parts. Since teh ceremony I as I often do can feel a rainbow from my heart space reaching out across time and space to his, offering vitality.
The sweatlodge was peaceful. We each spoke of our gratitude for medicine ways and our teachers.
I could still feel the hat and the horizon. My view of the sunset makes me think it will be at least a year till his death.
Today I am traveling with some suffering. Old dissatisfaction that changes shape and intensity over time. It picks up different themes and contexts depending on what else is unfolding in my life.
I am sitting with my forever yearning to be close to what I call "spirit". I don't even know what that means. I just know all my life I have explored the unknown non physical. I have sort guidance from mediums and psychics. I have sort "spiritual healing" (whatever that is) which is what led me to shamanism.
I am so envious of people who have a clearly defined relationship with the unknown non physical. They have spirit guides, or spirit speaks to them in seemingly consistent ways. They seem to have a sense of certainty.
I have no such luck. My experiences of clear spiritual contact I could count on one hand and are spread out across my whole life. I am old.
I have done psychic development at the Spiritualist Church, and many years of shamanic training. At best my communication with non physical reality is vague. Sometimes it feels non existent. I am not 100% convinced of what if anything is in non physical reality.
My approach to life is to not make myself wrong. To hold my whole experience, even the contradictions, with curiosity, trusting my feelings, impulses and preferences will unfold over time. Its been important to believe myself as my stories of my lived experience where never believed when I was a kid.
After (years ago) discovering I held anger for life itself I have actively cultivated trust in my life, in the path beneath my feet. A forever deepening practice of trust and gratitude, navigating my doubt. self hatred and wounds.
So, I sit to journey. Eyes closed. I am holding a space for sitting in this non physical space waiting for whats there to show itself to me.
Today the sensations were mild. I could feel an old disappointment and a lack of faith in myself arising. But I sit and wait. A gentle inner gaze holding my intentions, and even the concept of seeing whats actually there rather then imposing my imaginal energy on the space, lightly.
I feel sensation, a canyon, I am mostly alone. Space is what I see and feel. Its a practice.
I could feel my enthusiasm was diminished before I started. I am most curious about what happens when I just watch, and don't direct my inner experience.
I noticed the crow/raven again. It flew, but the experience was lack luster compared to the previous couple of days. I could feel the three, but the crow was the strongest.
It felt like none of us knew what to do. We all are waiting for something.
Although they all danced, again, as well.
Today when I sat I sat with no expectation but I could feel the crow/raven and the orca from yesterday. At first they were far away.
Spider I had worked with previously was there too. The three of them. Each felt strong, in their own way. The black spider was bejeweled. The three danced.
I could feel that the crow/raven was connected to my right hand and the orca was connected to my left hand. I felt the energy of each creature pulse down my arms. Spider was in the center.
I was aware that these creatures were waiting, at first far away then at times close, and sometimes in my body.
I came to see the waiting as a not yet readyness to independently work in the inside landscape space. I noticed myself thinking its not up to me to get them to act, more observe and be with them in this landscape.
I journeyed into the beginning.
I was not sure what to expect, I sat in the darkness created by my closed eyes.
I encountered two Totemic Beings: firstly a Crow/Raven and after a while an Orca.
These encounters made "sense": I had met both before, but a long time ago. The crow showed up strongly, I could feel it's pulsing life force, its strong beak and deep curious eyes. We flew.
The Orca was at first strong, but later it felt like this entity had some weaknesses. It turned again and again to its left. It took me into deep water, alone, in the cool blue quiet.
Crow and orca. Swimming and flying.
What did I come to know?
Navigating with a strong clear eye. I have been flying all day, in my belly. Swimming, fathomless depth, solitude. I am curious about my experience of the weaknesses in the orca. I sit with what this has to tell me.
What is unbroken, water colour on paper, Lily Fraser, 2018.