Still quiet inside, it feels most authentic to wait to see what happens

Today I am traveling with some suffering. Old dissatisfaction that changes shape and intensity over time. It picks up different themes and contexts depending on what else is unfolding in my life. 

I am sitting with my forever yearning to be close to what I call "spirit". I don't even know what that means. I just know all my life I have explored the unknown non physical. I have sort guidance from mediums and psychics. I have sort "spiritual healing" (whatever that is) which is what led me to shamanism. 

I am so envious of people who have a clearly defined relationship with the unknown non physical. They have spirit guides, or spirit speaks to them in seemingly consistent ways. They seem to have a sense of certainty. 

I have no such luck. My experiences of clear spiritual contact I could count on one hand and are spread out across my whole life. I am old. 

I have done psychic development at the Spiritualist Church, and many years of shamanic training. At best my communication with non physical reality is vague. Sometimes it feels non existent. I am not 100% convinced of what if anything is in non physical reality.  

My approach to life is to not make myself wrong. To hold my whole experience, even the contradictions, with curiosity, trusting my feelings, impulses and preferences will unfold over time. Its been important to believe myself as my stories of my lived experience where never believed when I was a kid. 

Trust. 

After (years ago) discovering I held anger for life itself I have actively cultivated trust in my life,  in the path beneath my feet. A forever deepening practice of trust and gratitude, navigating my doubt. self hatred and wounds. 

So, I sit to journey. Eyes closed. I am holding a space for sitting in this non physical space waiting for whats there to show itself to me.

​Today the sensations were mild. I could feel an old disappointment and a lack of faith in myself arising. But I sit and wait. A gentle inner gaze holding my intentions, and even the concept of seeing whats actually there rather then imposing my imaginal energy on the space, lightly. 

I feel sensation, a canyon, I am mostly alone. Space is what I see and feel. Its a practice.