Tears

Today when I sat I mostly just cried. 

My sense is the deep work I have been doing has both given me access to long buried deep feelings and is allowing my to hold the discomfort. 

I decided to not feel disappointed that not much else happened today besides memories of perceived injustices arising and tears coming. I let them come. I have plenty of time to get journeying right. 

As context, I lost touch with my sadness many years ago. I don't remember when. Probably when I was a kid, when my pain went unnoticed, ignored for so many years I numbed it out. I stopped struggling and kind of died instead. 

Through many years of therapy I have waited for tears to come. God knows I deserved my own tears. A deep soul shattering lack of safety unfolding from the sharp neglect of my childhood.  The abuse and neglect, so many humiliations I have suffered. 

My own behaviors become insane and sometimes psychotic. Then being blamed for expressing my experience in difficult ways for others. Victimized, insane and mostly dead. 

I have waited and waited for my tears to come. My lack of tears felt like further evidence that I was beyond healing, beyond hope. 

Then over the last years they have started to come. I have highly valued the physical pain (a deep dull ache) in my heart space I have noticed across the last few years. I associated it with being close to spirit, to my authentic self. 

The coming closer to my felt experience of neglect. Part of building an understanding that the abuse was not my fault, contrary to what my family ask me to believe. That my madness was an understandable response to the madness of my family environment. And I was allowed to not blame myself, and I am allowed to feel sad. 

The inside work across the last week has bought me in touch with strong, deep feelings, leading to healing. The healing is ongoing, unfolding, emergent.  Yesterdays holding my pulsing pain strengthens my understanding that I am capable of holding myself together. 

When I look inside, this is the work that's there to do now. I am going to privilege trusting the process over trying to get anything right.