I woke up today with a familiar not-being-good-enough sadness. I feel my sitting spaces are really about holding myself in the things that look to pull me apart. When I closed my eyes, there was crow. Strong and loving. I felt loved and supported. As I sat, I could feel the beat of the drum working on my body. Beating out the pain in my heart and belly.
I have been sitting with the unresolvable separation from my family. It's a wound that never heals. I know that no matter what I do, no matter how much I study and work I will never get their love and approval. This deep wound of rejection feeds my bodily sense of being rejected and lost. With out power, open to anyone coming and taking my self esteem and power from me, feeding of my spirit.
So here I sit with this painful, wounded spirit. Lost power and splintered soul. This is "why shamanisim". The wound of abuse and separation is both psychological and energetic, and spiritual. The existentialist is not only a contemplative conundrum, but, for me a spiritual one.
Today it was enough to sit with crow, in the love and trust we have for each other. I ask for my power to be returned to me. I ask that all parts of my spirit/energetic self that have been splintered off feel safe enough to return. Crow and I can hold you. Well crow can, but I am learning every day.